Happy Endings...

I love happy endings. What can I say…I’m just that kind of a girl. When a movie has a tragic end looming on the horizon, I get restless. I hope the situation will change and root for the characters to get their act together, do the needful and turn it into a happy ending. After all, they owe it to me and my fellow humankind waiting to heave a sigh of relief at the end. Of course, I want to leave the theater light hearted and smiling. What wrong with that, right?

Till ironically I realized that this belief was taking me away from my own happy endings. Fed on a staple diet of fairy tales, books and movies, I had the formula pat down. The lovely protagonist meets with innumerable difficulties, only to surpass them all with much determination, courage and a dash of style. Why then would this time-tested formula not work for me? I had determination and courage and ahem… some might say a dash of style… Why then would my difficulties not turn into one big happy ending?

The past few years have been hard. Nobody can deny that. But only now do I realize that I have made them harder for myself… simply by waiting for the happy ending… waiting for the complete healing that has eluded me. I have been so fixated on this happy ending that many experiences have slipped by me unsavored and underappreciated. I fought a brave battle, strong-willed and determined. Refusing to take no for an answer I waited for my happy ending of healing or even the miracle of spontaneous remission. It did seem to happen to other people after all…

Worn out and exhausted, I wonder if illness that has done this to me or the struggle to get better? My steadfast sight, my unwavering focus, has worn me down. Is the goal really worth it I question myself, if it is going to take everything out of me?

Why do we struggle so much? Have we taught ourselves to do so? I would be a defeatist if I didn’t struggle, right? And who would want to be a defeatist? But are we creating suffering for ourselves by striving towards that elusive (or not) aspiration? By being so fixated on this goal, that we forget to notice the smaller joys that surround us.

I do not know what will happen tomorrow. I do not know if a “happy ending” lies in store for me. But I do know that I know I’m going to be okay. I do know I can try to let go of the fixation of my expected “happy ending”. And perhaps, in some ways I may be settling for less. But if it brings with it more peace and acceptance, the tussles I have set off in my head will cease to be and my life will be happier even if the “ending” is not what I wanted it to be.